What the Heart Wants

I have to chuckle when I think about the way things have gone for us over the years.
In 1990, when I first laid eyes on him, we may as well have been animals in the wild. It was like a scene from a late night 90s movie with bad lighting and loud music. He was walking in the club; I was walking out. We both stopped dead in our tracks. He looked at me as if I was a medium-well, perfectly seasoned sirloin steak and I looked at him as if he was the finest lobster dish money could buy. Without saying a word, the hunger in our eyes blocked out every other person in that little club.
I was there with my best friends, one of whom just happened to be his aunt and before we knew it, we were shamelessly flirting over drinks. We’re all adults here, so I have no qualms about saying we ended up on a backroad within a few hours doing what we’ve continued to do until this day. Yep, he’s 52 and I’m almost 50, but the attraction is still as strong today as it was way back then. That will never change and I’m grateful for that. You see, that physical attraction is only part of what makes us, us.
We’ve parted ways more than once. Not long after we connected the first time as adults in 1990, I moved to San Francisco without telling him. He would later tell me that he looked for me. Here’s something that I’ve never even told him about that first period of silence between us: I didn’t think it mattered to him if I was around or not. It would take me years to find out that it did and that I indeed matter to him.
We reconnected in 19xx (…see what I did there). I had gone back home for a while and there he was. I had no idea that he was in the area, but I was glad to see him. There was never any discussion as to why I’d disappeared. We just picked up where we left off. Just like the first time, it was more about that unbridled passion that brought us together than anything, but again, that physical attraction is only part of what makes us, us. We didn’t talk a lot back then because we were both trapped in marriages that we shouldn’t have been in. It would take years for us to admit that fact aloud, but it was obvious from day one.
Fast forward to 2013. I had been keeping everyone updated on my whereabouts on Facebook because for one, I was in the middle of a wicked move from Dallas, and was always driving. Also, people were watching Will for me while I was traveling to and from Louisiana, and it was just easier to update my Facebook status than it was for me to reach out to individuals. Well, little did I know he had been watching, too.
One day, out of the blue, he commented on my location status, asking if I was in Louisiana. I said no, asked if was, and he replied that he wasn’t, but would be soon. He said he’d like to see me, I told him that I would like to see him, too, and the rest is history.
The Present
I was hurt over some things that happened between the time we reconnected and after we broke up. For the record, the break-up was on me. I severed ties with him because I allowed fear to bear down on me. Things would spiral far, far out of control after that. We just started talking again in April of this year. I was angry. He was hurt. Here lately, all we know is that true love overrules anger, pain, fear, and anything else that can and will sabotage a relationship.
We are in a sort of holding pattern, but one thing is certain: our hearts aren’t. The heart wants what the heart wants. He said those words to me the other night. Neither of us are, nor will we ever be, strong enough to walk away from the other permanently. We’re not just a physical couple. We are wrapped so tightly around each other’s psyches, it’s almost scary. I told him a long time ago that he tends to make love to my mind. That’s not something I can ever give up. I know that he knows I’ll always be the wind beneath his wings. That’s not something he can ever give up.
Nope, we don’t need each other to breathe, but we need each other’s strength and we need each other’s presence. Time will tell what happens with us. One thing is certain though – the heart wants what the heart wants.

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