This Old Ragged Heart

Falling out of love with the person you’re convinced is your soulmate can be likened to lifting a Nissan Titan with one hand. It’s impossible. Even if your head tells you to run, sometimes the heart just won’t let go. As sad as it is for me to say, I fell out of love with my abusive ex-husband about 10 years into the marriage, but I stayed. Y’all know the story. Falling out of love this time, though, is proving to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s a slow process, but I know there’s a sweet, sweet life to live and I need to get about the business of living it. I have big plans and I want to share them with a man I love and one who loves me with the same intensity.

I’m nearly 50 and have been through enough hell to know that I’ll never allow myself to fall for the wrong person again. It won’t ever happen again in this lifetime. Before I become one-half of a dysfunctional relationship again, I’ll become the lady with 25 cats and 15 dogs. I spent 19 years in that hell so trust and believe that I won’t spend 19 seconds in a situation like that again.

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I always caution people against using the word “never” because as human beings, we don’t know what we’ll do when a situation actually presents itself. I can, though, with 100% certainty say that I’ll never allow myself to be abused again and I won’t let my heart be smashed into a million pieces again. I won’t stand second to any other woman nor will I stand in one’s shadow. I’ve never done that and I never will. If a man is not proud to have me on his arm, he can go that-a-way. I think I’m a pretty good catch.

My Folks

I lost my mom in 2015, but her sisters, my beloved aunts, continue to be the next best thing. I have four left, with three being well and of sound mind. I saw the three of them last month when I went to Texas for a short visit and they all got on me because I don’t a boyfriend. The whole thing made me laugh because all my cousins who were there joined them in insisting that I find myself a good man. Every one of them gave me suggestions on where to find this guy, but I told them all, and I mean it — I’m not going out to look for a man. Whoever God has for me will find me.

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My son waffles back and forth between wanting me to be with someone and being terrified that I’m going to be crushed again like I was earlier. The last time I checked, he said he’d rather me be alone than to be hurt again. We’re actually trying to decide where we’re going to move once I complete graduate school and he completes his studies at UAPB. We’re blessed in that we’ll be finishing up around the same time.

We’re considering San Diego, Denver, Houston, San Francisco, or maybe even Dallas again. I just know that it’s time for me to get it moving, but I need to get this degree first. During the fall semesters, I will only take one class because they are extremely challenging, but I’ll push myself to take two during the spring and summer sessions because I want to get out of school and start my tenure as a professor as soon as possible.

Regardless of where we land, Mia will be with us. Just think of us as The Three Musketeers. FullSizeRender 17

It’s time for me to get my nose back in the books. I’m determined to maintain that 4.0 and that won’t happen if I mess around.

Dream sweet, y’all!

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