Surviving the Stillness 

I love my quiet time. I mean, I really love my quiet time. Just like everybody else, I enjoy the solitude and stillness that comes from being alone sometimes. I like to be alone with my thoughts. It wasn’t always like this, though, because before, the stillness was more or less my enemy. Before, when the stillness led to being alone with my thoughts…I was alone with my thoughts.

Scattered Thoughts

Almost from the beginning of my marriage, I was confused. I moved to Denver the day after we got married and didn’t know anyone. He started leaving me alone almost immediately after the move because it was never his intention to stop going out to get high, drunk, and gamble. At one point, he told me he would stop when he turned 50. I know, I know. There just aren’t enough synonyms for the word stupid to suffice. I had no choice but to be alone with my thoughts and they weren’t good ones.

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It is my belief that if you love someone, you spend time with that person. No, I don’t mean you have to be with him or her 24/7, but a good amount of time exploring life and sometimes doing nothing, should be spent with your significant other. My ex-husband’s exact words to me were, “Trē, I figure you go out with your friends, I’ll go out with mine, and we’ll talk about it when we get back home.” The problem was, I didn’t have any friends in Denver yet. He told me that foolishness late in the first week I was there because I had complained about him going out and leaving me so often. I told him that we were supposed to spending time together, building memories, etc. He looked at me like I had six heads and 32 ears. See what I was dealing with?

I called my mom several times a day, but at the end of each one of them, all I had were my thoughts. He would be gone and it would be too late to call Mama so all I had were my thoughts. I was alone with them. I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want to be around me. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I coudn’t figure out what I needed to do to make him want to be around me.

Clearly, my thoughts were destroying me. That’s what happens when you internalize things and let them pile up. It started very early and continued until I got a grip and got some help. That help came through the professional counseling that I finally got through my church and also through open and honest communication with my family and friends.

Don’t Go In There Alone

I had the privilege of hearing one of Mary Kay’s top sales directors speak once and she described how she had been battling her thoughts alone until she became friends with another woman who is also a sales director. She had been fighting depression for many years, but finally opened up to the other woman one day who ultimately pointed at her head and said, “Don’t go in there alone. Take someone with you to help you fight. Let that stuff out.”

Under the best circumstances, being alone with your thoughts is an amazing luxury. If, however, you are caught in up in a world of chaos, confusion, abuse, or anything else involving negativity, don’t keep those thoughts to yourself. Release them. Find someone you can trust and let those things out. It doesn’t matter how fierce the battle is inside your head, find someone to help you sort things out. No one can make any decisions for you and in all honesty, they shouldn’t, but talking things out can surely help you to make the right decision for yourself. You’re not alone. I don’t care if it feels like it, you’re not alone.

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