My ex-husband and I shared A LOT of friends. Our son has been involved in competitive, traveling sport since he was in 4th grade so as a “sports couple”, we made connections all across the country. My ex was already very well connected in the professional sports arena as he played sports from the high school level to the professional level so lots of his friends became my friends. I had lots of my own friends, too, so that just made the circle bigger. Here’s what happened after the divorce was final.
Before I finally blocked him on Facebook, we had over 150 mutual friends there. None of them treated us any differently as individuals, but since everyone knew about the divorce, we were no longer treated as a couple which made (common) sense. People would still mention both of us in the same posts when it came to sports events or things involving the group of boys that Will had played ball with. There were a few times when we were both mentioned regarding our granddaughter.
Since he had moved back to Baltimore and I was back in Louisiana, there was an extremely slim chance that we would ever be caught in situations where we’d show up at friend’s cookouts, but there was that one time when we couldn’t help but be in the same place at the same time, surrounded by nearly all of those mutual friends we shared in Texas.
It was Will’s high school graduation and we sat together. Some of our friends were clearly uneasy. They didn’t know what to say. They didn’t know how to react to seeing us “together”. His oldest son was with us, as was Mia and Will’s then-girlfriend. I believe he was slightly uncomfortable because, by that time, everyone knew at least a little of the story. I, on the other hand, was just thrilled to see my baby walk across that stage.
So, Who Gets Them?
There hasn’t been a real “split” of friends between William and me. I don’t talk to some of them as much as I used to and I know he doesn’t, but I don’t think any of them has decided to choose one of us over the other. I don’t think there’s a need. I realize that in some cases of divorce, mutual friends will choose sides. What I think is that the same terms that make you decide if you will be friends with other individuals in the first place should dictate if you’ll remain friends with the individuals after there is separation or divorce.
Sometimes we become friends with the couple as a whole because it’s just what happens. I can assure you that had I met some of those folks as individuals, they would not be my friends. Nope. Their values and morals don’t match up with mine. I wouldn’t qualify those “friendships” as anything more than tolerant acquaintance, but they wouldn’t even reach that level if it wasn’t for the required connection.
I have friends of all races, creeds, backgrounds, political affiliations, career choices, and religious affiliations, but I won’t waste my time with folks who have no morals or values.
What It All Boils Down To
I am cordial to 99% of the people I come into contact with, regardless of my relationship with them. I will always remain friendly toward his friends. They are not my enemy. I am not theirs.
I love his family and they love me.
I don’t feel that any of them need to choose one of us over the other just because we’re not together anymore. As adults, the choice is ours.