Even before I exchanged vows with the man who would ultimately destroy my self-worth, my self-esteem, and my overall sense of being, I found myself asking my oldest brother that question. He, along with my mother, tried to convince me that I shouldn’t marry that man. They kept telling me that he wasn’t right for me. Obviously, I didn’t listen. My brother constantly said, “It’s not you, it’s him.” My mom repeatedly said, “That dude has too many loose ends.” I loved him, though, so nothing they could have said was going to change my mind.
After we were married and the mental, emotional, and verbal attacks began, his response to my question “what’s wrong with me?” was met with a barrage of answers from him.
It’s You, Trē
You guys know that the mental and emotional abuse was relentless in my marriage. The verbal abuse was even worse. I don’t care what I did, he would find something wrong. We had finished dinner one night and I knew he was watching my every move while I was cleaning, and sure enough, when I thought I had finished sweeping, he pointed a 1-inch spot that I had missed. Nope, I didn’t measure it, but I can tell you that you wouldn’t have been able to find it had it not been pointed out to you.
Once we had completed a credit application and the creditor called to say that he couldn’t tell if one of the numbers I had written was a 1 or a 7. As soon as the phone call was complete, he looked at me and said, “I don’t ever want you writing anything else for me.” That’s the kind so crap he carried on.
No, Sir, It Was You
Even though I gave just as good as he did during the arguments, he had gotten so deep into my psyche, I believed it was me. Then, one day, I woke up. I WOKE UP! I knew that it wasn’t me and I learned to defend myself, my actions, my thoughts, and my feelings. It never had been me.
You’re Just Fine
None of us are perfect. If, however, if you find yourself in an abusive relationship, know that the abuser will do everything in his power to make everything your fault one way or another. It’s not. Abusers refuse to take responsibility for their actions and/or reactions. It’s not you. It’s him.