When my ex-husband found out that I had reconnected with the man who blissfully turned what was one of the most painful periods of my life into a time of genuine happiness, he told me that I was doing it all wrong. Imagine that. He said that according to what he had been told, we were to take a one-year break for every five years we had been married. He also said that meant we should both stay single for five years, but if I calculated correctly and took what he said as the letter of the law, we would have stayed single for about four years.
The truth is, he thought that we were getting back together, so that five year “healing” period he proposed would have allowed me to get the counseling he said I needed and for us to work on our relationship. That man holds a bachelors degree in Computer Science, a minor degree in math, and was an advanced college-level trigonometry instructor so his calculation was not based on fact — it was what he had decided it should be. Needless to say, I didn’t fall for that foolishness and neither should you when someone offers you a definite timeframe for healing after divorce.
The Days Following the Divorce
My divorce was final on April 5, 2013. There was no waiting period for it to be “officially final”, but neither of us would have been allowed to marry anyone else within the 30 days after that court date. While re-marriage was the farthest thing from my mind, I didn’t require a “time to heal” from the divorce itself. You see, the truth is, my marriage had been over for a very, very long time before the divorce. To be honest, starting a new relationship was the farthest thing from my mind.
We had stopped sharing a bed back in 2001, well before we left Denver. My heart had been thrashed, gnashed, and otherwise destroyed a gazillion times before he even came in and announced that he wanted the divorce. While I was battered mentally and emotionally, many of the wounds had either healed or they were numb to the touch.So many feelings that I had for him and that marriage had died prior to the divorce. The ones that weren’t healed took a backseat to the fact that I had to pack up a 3500 sq. ft. home without any assistance from him, get my son off to college, and find a way to carry on as a single woman. There was too much to do.
My Healing Balm
The support that I received from my friends and family during the divorce process as well as the days following that thing was indescribably beautiful. Not one person sugar-coated anything for me. When I needed them to, those people were there to give me a light kick in the behind so that I wouldn’t stop pushing forward. They were also there when I needed a shoulder to cry on.
One of the most instrumental people involved in my healing was a man I’ve known my entire life who I am now blessed to call my soulmate. Our families have been intertwined since before either of us were born. My mother and his grandmother were the best of friends; his aunt Bernice and my aunt Bernice were childhood best friends; my mother and two of her sisters were married to three of his uncles. My daddy used to cut his hair. I am best friends with one of his aunts.We have a very, very long history ourselves. I am grateful that our spirits crossed again because he has indeed been a source of support that I will never have enough words to explain.
As I said earlier, I wasn’t looking for a new relationship, but found myself caught up in the most joyous union I could imagine after I moved home. The length of time I had been divorced was not a factor.
When Will Your Healing Be Complete?
As I said in the beginning, no one can assign a timeframe for your healing. Whether it takes you a day, a week, a month, a year, ten years or more, the timeframe is yours to assign. Take as much as you need. You’ll know exactly when its time to offer your heart again. You will recognize it by the freedom you feel to try love again.