Operating the Machine on Auto-Pilot

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I haven’t written as often as I vowed to but I’m back. I don’t believe in making excuses however, I know that there are almost always reasons that things happen. There has been so much going on that I’ve just been functioning day-to-day. That’s not the real me because by nature, I’m a planner. I almost always put my plans on paper. That’s just who I am. Lately though, I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants.

I haven’t written in earnest for a while now because I had been preparing for the Praxis I tests. I took the first three and while I did great on the writing and reading sections, I didn’t fair so well on the math. It took a lot for me to even type the last eight words of the previous sentence because from 1993 to the middle of 2013, I had made a practice of keeping my failures and missteps hidden. I was so busy being the picture of strength that I forgot how to feel. I still have trouble truly expressing when I feel pain or am slighted. I had been conditioned to believe that what I felt didn’t really matter and that the things I considered hurtful were most likely nothing to get upset over. I was always told that I blew everything out of proportion. I’m not a weak chick, however, if you hear a thing often enough, you’ll start to believe. It doesn’t matter if its true or not, you will start to pay attention to it.

Anyway, another reason that I’ve been absent in my writing is because I was a bit taken aback by the “normalcy” in my life. I can count the number of things that were “normal” in my life before my divorce. You see, what had become “normal” to me was constant fighting, constant chaos, consistent belittling, the constant trivializing of all the things that mattered to me. Well, fast-forward to now. In the beginning, the quiet, the peace, the realness of it all was startling. To be honest, I was skeptical that it was all real. I was afraid that I would wake up and realize I was right back in that pit. I’m not. I won’t ever go there again.

Right now, I’m in New Orleans with my son for part of his Spring Break. He is not feeling well but we’re here together and that’s all that matters. In the days to come, I’ll be discussing some of the things I’ll discuss in the book I’m writing. I didn’t survive all that trash to keep the details to myself. I’m pulling myself together. I have a fierce group of people behind me. It matters who is behind and beside you. I’ve got some of the best.

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