I woke up in a piss-poor mood this morning. Part of that had to do with the fact that the morning started around 2:30 (yeah, in the morning) because Brutus had placed his nose right next to mine. Who wouldn’t wake up when a 65 pound American Bulldog puts his nose next to their’s? He just stared at me and I knew that meant he wanted to go out. I tried to turn over and pretend that I hadn’t noticed but then he whimpered. The temperature was around 25 degrees at 2:30 this morning. I knew I was going to have to get up because Brutus has never taken no for an answer. Before long, Ace, my 70 pound Lab/Shepard mix had joined the whimper party, so I went ahead and got up. I stumbled around, found my sneakers, put on a hoodie, and headed out in the darkness. Trust me when I tell you, that blast of relentless cold air chased that sleep away with the quickness. Both of them pee’d. I hurried back in, found my way back to bed, only to be awakened by Brutus again at 4:30. This time, he nudged me with that big nose until I got up. Out we went again. They pee’d then wanted to play. I was mad. By the time I got the routine morning call from my man as he traveled to work at 6:30, I was furious. He managed to make me laugh, as he always does, but I was still mad. The anger wasn’t aimed at my dogs (okay, not all of it). My mind flew back to just how hard things have been for me over the last couple of years.
When my ex announced that he wanted a divorce after having mentally/emotionally abusing me in the most outlandish manners, he pretty much walked away from everything. I can’t say it was without a care because I know now that he suffered and continues to do so horribly. What I can say is that I was left holding everything. I was left to pack up a 3500 sq. ft. home. My friends helped some and for that, I am eternally grateful. My brother and a friend from Louisiana performed nothing short of a miracle in the things they did but the fact was, I was packing away the last 20 years of my life. What had been my lifestyle was now sitting in a gazillion labeled boxes. I was left with a teenage boy who had just become a father, was graduating, and was entering college behind the 8-ball in his hopes of playing college football because of an injury that required surgery in his senior year. I was left with two big dogs who had to stay in a friend’s backyard until I was able to find a home in Louisiana. Even now, they are inside because the house that I live in doesn’t have a fence and I’m still recuperating from the financial loss that sometimes comes along with divorce. I know that I won’t be here permanently, so for right now, I’ll be getting up to take them out so as to avoid a poop-filled floor.
The anger that I feel is very sporadic these days because I knew back then, as I know for certain now, that the breakup of that marriage was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me. I’ve always been an independent woman but I set aside that independence to be a stay-at-home mom. I will NEVER regret that decision. My only regret is ignoring the writing that was on the wall. I saw it. I just didn’t acknowledge it. Initially, I kicked myself because I was fearful of how I would earn money even though I have a B.S. degree and great prior work experience in both the insurance and legal fields. Fear is a monster that will make you overlook the obvious. It took me a while to accept the fact that God spared me through all those years of mental/emotional abuse, a brain hemorrhage, having him ask for divorce, being left to pack it all up and to carry on, for a reason. I’ll be blessed as long as I bless others. No one can tell me any different.