Peering Over the Top

Several months ago, in the middle of my journey to complete wellness, someone who I have the utmost respect for told me that he could see me “peering over the top of door”, fascinated by what I see on the other side. He told me that I want desperately to be on the other side of that door and that the door is unlocked.

He said that all I needed to do was turn the doorknob. All I have to do is turn the doorknob. That’s all I have to do.

Unfortunately, I have been bombarded by fears. Unrelenting fears. Some of them were my own; most had been implanted in me by someone who should have been my biggest source of support. The journey to my own wellness and completeness is an ongoing one and I thank God day and night for the people He has blessed me with, who are encouraging me to turn that knob. They are all around me. I had focused my attention of getting attention, acknowledgment and approval from someone who is completely and totally incapable of supporting anyone or anything. Am I placing blame? Absolutely not! Why? Because people will only do to you what you allow them to do. I used every excuse in the world for standing in the line of fire for so many years but this wellness journey and the unconditional love and support I receive from my family and friends has given me an unbelievable gust of wind beneath my wings. I am by no means a weak woman. Never have been, never will be but I, like others before me and unfortunately, others who will come behind me, fell into “that place”.

I now have my hand on the doorknob. There are things that must be in place before I turn it but I have my hand on it. I have made some MAJOR decisions that will benefit my son and me. He has felt the brunt of the war I have fought. I fully intend for him to enjoy the rest of his life. I fully intend for him to be a real man. By “real” man, I want him to feel free to express his love, to accept love and to be gracious for all the things God blesses him with.

For myself, I will travel. I will be totally independent again. I will enjoy my hobbies in the haven that will be my home. Life can be good. I am not naive enough to believe that I’ll never have problems again but I am smart enough to know that every day is not meant to be filled with chaos, confusion and despair. Life can be good.

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