Awareness, Acceptance, Atonement

This post is more for myself than for the reader. It represents an honest look at what I used to see when I looked in the mirror and what I see now. The reflection changes every single day, as it should. The picture of growth should change daily. Without growth and expansion, there will be certain death. I died that death. What I have become, as a result of that untimely death, is a Phoenix.

My entire life, I have hinged every single thing – EVERY THING – I’ve ever done on gaining someone’s approval. I’ve been a chronic worrier in regard to getting the nod from others. I’ve always, ALWAYS, worried about what others thought of me. Consequently, when they didn’t respond the way I wanted them to, I was devastated. From there, I would throw some of the best pity parties imaginable!! These parties came complete with the “nobody likes me” appetizer, the “you’re so stupid” main course, and the “you never do anything right” dessert. Oh, and let’s not forget the “nobody cares anyway” beverage! Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I fell into numerous relationships with men who were there only for the obvious and didn’t care about my success one way or the other. I was looking for support in all the wrong places. I had the obvious support of my family and friends (thank you all SO much) but intent on getting that support from my partner, I failed to recognize the good things I had. As it stands, my son Will, my mother Cleal, my sister Margaret, my nephew Arthur, my girlfriends Debbie, Andrea and Sabrina, and my Mary Kay directors are *the* BEST things since sliced bread. I must mention Olivia because it was her act that lit the fire under me that I needed.

I have tried several times to convince myself that this is not the business for me but in the end, I know it is. I’ve received several words of encouragement from people who had no clue what they were saying to me. In the same vain, one person has repeatedly told me that I will go WAY farther than I can even imagine. For the first time in my life, I have that confidence in myself. I believe I will reach any and every goal I’ve set for myself. Why? Why now? Because what I see now when I look in the mirror is a beautiful, smart, convincing woman who believes in herself, what she does and most importantly, she believes in the goodness of others.

What I’ve come to accept is the MAGNIFICENT fact that there is no one else on the face of this earth like me! Sure, I can stand to lose a few pounds but the weight doesn’t define me. I have so much to offer in experience, friendship and knowledge, and my mission is to share it with whoever is willing to take it.

I, just like many others, have struggled with forgiveness. I have been wronged by so many people and some of the scars run deeper than the ocean. Those scars will heal themselves because for the treatment I received, I will never likely receive the apology I deserve. For some of the offenses, I have received that apology but I know in my spirit, that it wasn’t from the person’s heart. That is not my issue. Forgiveness is all I can offer. The one person I have just recently forgiven is myself. I have done and said some things to people that are horrible. Some of the times when I was being offensive, I felt justified but in the end, there is never justification for intentionally inflicting pain on any person. After I came into the realization that I deeply hurt those people, sometimes I tried to make amends. Sometimes, I didn’t. What I’ve done is turn it over to God. Regarding the forgiveness I’ve offered myself, it is refreshing. I no longer feel weighed down by the guilt. I made mistakes and I have regrets. I’ve made a point of *not* making those same mistakes again so the life lesson was learned. I am okay with Trease.

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