The Sense You Need

I have always been the type of person who recognizes blessings, or so I thought. It’s never mattered how big or small, I know them when I see them. I have also, without a doubt, been grateful for the people who have entered my life. Some of those people have wreaked complete and utter hell, others have been my saving grace. Still others have served in the role of guardians, even though they didn’t know it. The purpose of this post is to pay homage to one of those guardians.

In the interest of discrepancy, I won’t mention his name. Yes, it’s a man. In the name of semi-transparency, this man is a former boyfriend. We were involved in a *very* complicated relationship while we were in college (I’m not naive enough to mention that fact without knowing that some of you will know exactly who I am talking about), but my purpose for mentioning when we were together is to highlight just how long this friendship has held a steady place in my life. He is my friend. We weren’t together in the “girlfriend-boyfriend” sense for an extremely long time but that time together was deeper than most “best friend” relationships. At the time, he was my lover. Prior to that, he was my friend. From the day we met back in 1985 (there I go giving dates that will expose his identity, but if you know, you know), he has been able to read me, tell me what I am thinking and 95% of the time, he’s been able to tell me exactly what I’ve done or am about to do. He has also been one of the few people who can stop me dead in my tracks with discipline. I don’t mean that in the parental sense, even though he does have a way of speaking to me in the same way my father did. What I mean is he is able to speak the complete truth to me, whether I like it or not. He has cared enough about me and my wellbeing to lay things out for me the way they should be, not how I want them to be.

Over all these years, I’ve never lost touch with him. There have been times when we’ve had periods of silence but they never last for long. Before some of you rush off to email/call/text William, know that my husband has always known that I’ve been in contact with him. There is a friendship there that nearly reaches the level of what I have with my best friend, Sabrina. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Recently, I’ve been struggling with issues that have driven me to the point of distraction. I don’t trust very many people with my problems but the ones that I have trusted have been awesome in that they never want anything but the best for me. These have been my girlfriends. You know exactly who you and I will go to my grave knowing that I have some of the best girlfriends on this earth. My male friend, on the other hand has given me new insight into what I know I have to do.

He once again, put the cards on the table and made me see just what I have to do. To be totally honest, I was EXTREMELY angry with him in the beginning because he didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear nor did he let me have my way. I got even madder because he backed away from me when he knew I was about to get belligerent. He has always done that. We were casually chatting a few weeks ago and I mentioned something about a woman making him do something and his cool, calm response was, “Trease, have you ever known any woman to be able to do that?”. I could do nothing but laugh because I know that’s never been the case, and never will be. Things are different this time around because I’ve seen a side of him that I never have in these 26 years. He’s always been hard to read. Really hard. This time, though, I saw something that startled me and made me see that despite that cool outer shell, he has the biggest heart imaginable. This is also the first time that I believe my issues have strained our relationship. I don’t want that so I will find my way back into his good graces. I know that in the end, this friendship is not over, but it is definitely not where it was. I miss talking to him. I miss being able to let my guard down and just being Trease. Hopefully, I can reach him.

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