A Peek Inside

I am incredibly blessed to have as many friends as I do. Some of them are true, “ride-or-die” friends that I know will have my back should I need them. They’ve proven themselves. Some of them are mere associates. Some of them are the “I’m watching you, watching me” kind. To those of you who fall into that category, know that I see and hear everything you say and do and you will ALWAYS see only what I *want* you to see and hear.

My entire life, I’ve been fairly guarded in what I let others know about me and my struggles. I’ve never been a sneaky person, nor am I the type who will try to pull one over on you. I don’t believe in that mess. What I do is close my mouth and do what I want to do. That is one of the many, many lessons I learned from Cleal. She reminded me of that yesterday when I started cutting up after she told me something that one of my uncles (the Jacobs family members reading this will know exactly who I’m talking about) said about me. I started to rave about it and she cut me off saying, “You better learn to listen to folks and gwon about your business.” I cannot count the number of times she’s said that to me. Before anything, I preach to my son about being mindful of how you treat people, being careful of what you say and to ALWAYS be aware of *how* you say things. I see myself in him more and more everyday. The large majority of the time, he is careful in what he says. Words can kill. Or cause you to be killed.

Back on subject, I will tell you that my struggles have been many. Many. In a sense, I am an extremely tolerant person but at the same time, I am extremely intolerant. I learned early on that people are different and that’s okay. It really is. What I have not and never will tolerate is people mistreating others. What I have found though, is that in the name of toughness, I’ve allowed myself to be mistreated. There was a time when I was one of those chicks that would do the neck-swerving, finger-popping crap talking about what I will and won’t put up with but the years have brought about a change in that thinking. There are some things I can say I would never do with 100% certainty, but there are some things I will ALWAYS hold my opinion on. I’ve suffered unimaginable mental and emotional abuse and the scars run deep. Really, really deep. That brings me to where I am right now. I’ve been so guarded about the junk that has weighed on me over the years, that I couldn’t even admit to my neurosurgeon that I was under so much stress that I should have died. Sometimes I think if I had let some of that mess out, I wouldn’t have had the hemorrhage but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I am also mature enough to take responsibility for my part in that travesty. I take a full 50% of the responsibility for my current state of health because people will only do to you what you allow them to do. You always have the option to step away. I chose to fight, tooth-and-nail, but those days are over. While I was on my back, I prayed to God to allow me another 40+ years on this earth, in good health. I promised Him that I would hand Him my mess because every time I have been obedient and done that, things have worked out. I want to see my son graduate from high school and college. I want to see him get married. I want to see his children. My health is improving greatly and I’m getting stronger everyday. To look at me, you can’t tell that there are times when my neck pops so much, I think I will snap right off. You wouldn’t know that there are days when I just don’t want to even try to get out of bed, but I do it anyway! I’m determined to get back where I was prior to July 21, 2009.

As I type this, there are many changes in the works. The only thing I know for certain is that come December 19, 2011, I will *NOT* be where I am right now. Some things take time to enact but trust me when I tell you that I am on it and the consequences will shock and sadden some, but my mission is to build the good life I deserve. I’m very good at pulling myself up out of the ashes. I’ve had things happen to me that I will take to the grave but each of those things have given me a back bone that’s incredibly strong. Stay with me and you’ll see the changes.

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